I'm one of those people who likes plans. The hardest two years of my life were after college, when CodeMonkey and I were newlyweds living apart while he finished college and did a fellowship and I lived with my parents and worked. It wasn't the separation that made it painful, but rather the constant feeling of being in transition, as though we were waiting for our real lives as husband and wife to begin.
Right now is another such transition. CodeMonkey is transitioning out of being a CodeMonkey into another field entirely. He's doing a great job, still supporting us, and everybody seems confident he'll be a smashing success in his new career, but it's still hard to be waiting. I'm unemployed and I honestly have no idea what I want out of my life, personally or professionally. All of this is ruining my motivation to job search as I get wrapped up in trying to figure out what the heck I want instead of just applying to jobs and getting out there and talking to people to learn more about my options.
I'm not coping well with the reality that I don't know what either of our lives will look like a year from now. I don't know what the solution is aside from trying to put the anxiety out of my mind and doubling down on my job search.
At the risk of being creepy - virtual hug from a stranger?
ReplyDeleteTotally been there. I think a lot of us have been to varying degrees at one time or another.
My BFF and I call it limbo or purgatory, and have (somewhat sacrilegiously) jokingly wished that we could buy the other an indulgence to get them out. Too bad they're not sold anymore. =)
I like virtual hugs! Thankfully after this vent I went and networked my way into a phone meeting with someone who works at an organization I'm interested in. Hopefully that bears fruit.
DeleteI should totally see if I can get my priest to give me an indulgence to get out of this mess. I don't see him being amenable, though. Limbo is totally the right word, though.
"I'm not coping well with the reality that I don't know what either of our lives will look like a year from now."
ReplyDeleteDo you find it exciting at all? Flying by the seat of your pants can be fun for short amounts of time.
At least you have each other, right? Having a partner to fly through these periods must make it a bit better.
I'm one of those high-anxiety neurotics who really doesn't cope with unpredictability. Mostly I'm sublimating my stress by cooking. The dishwasher is on its fourth load today and there's another one waiting. But we now have 7 dozen cookies 4 dozen bourekas and 4 dozen oatmeal hotcakes that we didn't have at lunchtime.
DeleteThankfully yes, I have my husband. He's been very kind.
Holy cow, that is a lot of food and that is a tough dishwasher!
ReplyDeleteWhat do you do with all the food. Friends and family in the area?
My husband is a bottomless pit...
DeleteNo, not really! I'm chronically ill, so when I can't cook because I'm too tired, it's handy to have homemade convenience foods to just throw in the oven. I'm also trying to stock the freezer for when I have a job again and can't cook as much. The hotcakes are great for breakfasts in the morning because you can just throw them in the skillet and reheat them. CodeMonkey works from home and can put bourekas in the oven for lunch instead of eating out, etc.